Troy

Review by Loc

Achilles, the Trojan Horse, Odysseus, Hector, Paris, and of course, Helen. The names conjure thoughts of Homer, not the Simpson, and his epic poem, The Iliad. Through The Iliad, Homer recounts the tale of the Trojan War in grandiose fashion, bringing mortals and gods together in a slugfest for the ages. In quick summation: the wife of King Menelaus, Helen, is wooed away by Paris, the Trojan prince. Agamemnon, the Greek King and brother to Menelaus agrees to send the entire Greek army to war with Troy. Achilles, the immortal Greek warrior appears in these battles, which last for nearly a decade. Finally, those shifty Greeks construct a large wooden horse, hide within to gain entry into Troy, and topple the city to decisively end the war. Quick hit: this film, much like preceding summation, touches on the surface, but never ventures from the shallow end of the pool.

One of this year’s summer blockbusters, Troy stars the chiseled likeness of Brad Pitt. Since most women consider him godlike, it’s fitting that Bradley plays the legendary warrior. Orlando Bloom, the dreamy Legolas in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, steps in as the younger Trojan prince, Paris. With a darker mop of hair and barely-post-adolescent stubble on his chin, Leggy Lass is not so dreamy after all. And then there’s Eric Bana, the Hulk, huffing and puffing his way as Hector, older Trojan prince and all-around warrior-stud. With so much masculinity running amok, one might expect this film to appeal only to the women and the Calvin Klein aficionados.

For the supporting cast, Helen is brought to life by unknown Diane Kruger. The product of a globe-spanning talent search, Kruger is quite the looker here. Yet, she is never more than a nice arm decoration for Leggy Lass. Brian Cox checks in as Agamemnon, you might remember him as the evil Stryker in X2: X-men United or the evil dad in The Ring or the evil dad in The Rookie or the evil CIA boss in The Bourne Identity. Yup, Cox is great at being sinister, and does a fine job here. Then there’s Sean Bean, Boromir from Lord of the Rings, playing Odysseus, doing a good job of being the sly politician and looking less like Triple H in this film. Lastly, Peter O’Toole is King Priam of Troy, and boy does that dude look old.

Ah, but wait, there’s more! The promise of battle, lots of battle, enough battle to fill a nearly three hour butt-numbing experience! The movie opens with a Bradley sighting, a one-on-one showdown with a 6-7 behemoth to decide the outcome of a war. For those WWF fans in the house, the behemoth is played by Nathan Jones, that Australian, former convict goofass that tried to wrestle about a year ago. Back to the film, Bradley must be awakened from a night of orgy-like cavorting to attend this showdown, an act of defiance and disrespect to his unlikable king, Agamemnon. The little boy messenger asks Bradley why he would fight such a large, intimidating goofass, for the little boy would never knowingly enter such a predicament. Bradley’s answer? “That’s why they’ll never remember your name.” And maybe that’s true, but I know the reason why I won’t remember the little kid’s name is because they never say it out loud. Hehehe.

So, cut to the big one-on-one showdown, and Bradley does a badass smackdown: sprint towards enemy, dodge oncoming spears, and deliver finishing move, a leaping-sideways-sword-thrust to the neck! Finish him!! Fatality!!! Yes, that’s a Mortal Kombat reference, cheesy as it might be, and why? Simply because the battle scene with accompanying fatality maneuver is cheesy as well.

In fact, several key components of this film reside in that fragrant realm of dairy wonderness, dropping this flick down a couple big notches. Notably, the James Horner’s musical score lacks realism half the time. Piping in blaring horns, the music harkens back to the Technicolor classics like Spartacus and Ben Hur, where cheeseball campiness ruled the day. Maybe director Wolfgang Petersen wanted to pay homage to the old toga-and-sandal flicks, but in reality, the musical choices made Troy dated. However, when the score trots out melodic melodies and lush choir vocals, Troy becomes a little more profound and touching. Maybe contemporary offerings from epics like Braveheart or Gladiator resonate closer to today’s tastes, but these musical pieces embody a greater timeless feel than the grandiose brass horns of yesteryear.

Yet, the music is not the only drawback. You have the stilted dialogue that tries to be deep and philosophical, yet treads along tired clichés. The pre-battle speeches are uninspired, the plotting king asides are vacuous, and unfortunately, Bradley’s heroic motivational deliveries are often giggle-inducing affairs. The writing is mediocre at best, laughable at worst, and never a selling point for this epic.

As far as the story goes, Petersen takes great liberties in translating Homer’s poem to fit in today’s modern likings. Gone are the direct contributions of the gods, replaced by spiritual priests and skeptical soldiers. Gone are the intricacies between all the players, replaced with internal struggles for the main characters of Achilles, Hector, Agamemnon, and Paris. Yet, for those unfamiliar with the details, the plot is constructed to hit all the main points of the folklore, from the unbeatable Achilles to the launching of 1000 ships to the Trojan Horse. Petersen does a good job of balancing the classic literature and Hollywood’s need for tidy, heroic plots.

However, while the story presented caters to today’s audiences, the story itself suffers in its execution. In the initial hour, we are bombarded with heavy-handed references to the quest for immortality. Achilles entire being yearns to become a legend, Agamemnon strives to build an empire so vast that he will be remembered in history, and so forth. Good motivations to put on display, but do we really have to hear Achilles talk about remembering his name every 3 minutes? He talks to the messenger boy, to his cousin, to his mother, to the King, to everyone he crosses about being remembered for all eternity. Hell, he’ll be remembered by history just for being annoying, “Yeah that Achilles, always babbling about remembering his name, what a mook.”

Secondly, the emotional connection to the characters is nonexistent. First, we see Paris woo Helen away, and realize he’s a major putz, further reinforced when he cowers in battle against Menelaus. No one cares about the skinny Leggy Lass, except when he picks up a bow and starts firing away because he reminds us he was once a blond haired elf. Achilles is a turbulent, anti-authority soldier, but his incessant yearning for immortality leaves the “tortured” part of his soul missing onscreen. Yes, you hate Agamemnon, yes you bear a striking loyalty when your girly cousin bites it, yes you even care for a Trojan chick, but Bradley never embodies more than an immaculate body. One thing he does have that no one else does: the best freaking helmet.

The only redeeming character is Eric Bana’s Hector, the archetypical older brother who must clean up the messes made by the younger sibling. Hector is the voice of reason, questioning the reliance on divine intervention by priests, trying to avoid a war, pushing against the aggressive advancement in the war, honoring soldiers in battle, he’s the badass stuck in the bad situations that other people built. The only drawback is Bana’s Australian accent seems slightly off compared to the other English and Irish accents. Nothing too noticeable, Bana still redeems himself from that Hulk debacle of a year ago. Yet, overall, the characters move about, from here to there, battle to battle, and never capture your attention at a deeper level.

Being a war epic, the battle scenes are a large draw to this film. The one-on-one battle between Bradley and Bana is quite extensive and enjoyable. Angling away from a simple swing-and-slash encounter, the showdown between Achilles and Hector resembles an elegant dance of death. Here, we actually see some depth to the characters with Achilles’ unmatched confidence juxtaposed against Hector’s resigned insecurity. Hector knows in his heart that he cannot win, but fights as any honorable soldier must, and maybe it is in his doubt that his defeat becomes reality. He needed more positive thinking, he needed to hit the self-help section of Borders or listen to Dr. Phil before taking on Bradley. However, besides this encounter, the battle scenes are mostly average. The CGI is noticeable whenever the thousands line up and charge one another. Slashing and killing are shot in simple fashion. And the fatality finisher that Bradley attempts to dish out every so often is humorous to watch. Finish him!!

So what we have is an average flick built on an average story. Depth in the characters is attempted but rarely accomplished. The conflicts build steadily but the tension never accompanies the twists and turns. And the battles to determine the victors are commonplace and unspectacular. Toss in some questionable music, average dialogue, and a mundane Bradley, and you got yourself a very earthly film. Not to say Bradley’s hair isn’t the epitome of conditioner-healthy locks, but his too-cool persona might be a little too cool for Achilles. Out of 1000 ships, Troy launches a mere 500, a good sized fleet, but not the stuff of legends. For an epic feel, watch the two minute trailers to this flick, they’re more concise and build a greater sense of grandiose adventure.

Rated: 5/10