Review by Loc
Claymation rocks. You kids may think claymation is Robot Chicken. You older kids may think it’s Celebrity Deathmatch. And you old farts know that it’s giant scorpions and ugly Medusa’s. Yes, that’s right, before CGI and sometime after black-and-white silent movies there came stop-motion, model-based special effects. Remember the original Star Wars? That awesome Death Star, that amazing Millennium Falcon, the ugly Wampas, those were models. And puppet masters filmed scenes frame-by-frame, moving the models ever so slightly to create 24 frames per second goodness. At the pinnacle of claymation stop-motion special effects movies was Clash of the Titans. It’s from this film we were treated to a young Harry Hamlin sporting a toga and battling a giant, fake scorpion. Ah, reminiscing about the good old days tells you just how old you really are. And now, almost 30 years later, we’re treated to a CGI-flavored version of the camp-classic. Quick hit: puppets are cool.
Let me sum this up right at the start because I’m not sure how committed I am to delivering a full review of a crappy movie. Have you ever imagined what the Lord of the Rings trilogy would have been like if the movies sucked? Neither did I, but after watching this flick, I now know. It’s all blinding shine, literally, and little substance. Not for a lack of trying as it seems like a lot of effort was put into this production, but no one ever got an A for effort. Well some might, but not this flick.
The cast is full of stars, from Liam Neeson as Zeus to Ralph Fiennes as Hades to…well, maybe those were the biggest stars. However, Hollywood would also like us to believe Sam Worthington is a star-in-the-making. He of Avatar and Terminator 4, turns in the same performance he has in every other movie: stolid, stunted, and mostly boring. But he sure looks the part, good job Hollywood.
The effects look mediocre but not bad. All the legendary beasts, from the Medussa to the Pegasus to the Kraken look amazing…amazingly like CGI. It’s like late 90s all over again, totally fake, non-interactive things supposedly causing our actors trouble. Seriously, they would have been better off with giant clay models, cause these stupid CGI monsters looked horrible by today’s standards.
Then there’s the story, the magnificent journey. Or something like that. This is where the Lord of the Rings reference comes from, as our main characters must travel through the world and underworld in search of mystical artifacts to eventually defeat the supernatural. However, in execution this flick is simply a start-and-stop mix of scenes that throw a bunch of guys and one girl into battles. It’s quick horrible in the lack of cohesiveness and logic. One moment our heroes are traversing a forest, and the next, they chase something into the thick of a dessert complete with ruins and no sign of thick forest from two seconds ago.
Much credit is due to Ralph Fiennes and Liam Neeson, who spend the majority of their time in a cloud-based “heaven” where crap is really bright and really shiny. Why credit, though? Because they’re committed to their roles, they go at it wholeheartedly without playing it up for camp. You see Ralph Fiennes looking like a reject from Battlefield Earth, hunched and hobbling over towards Liam, and he’s sold on the role. Who cares that the final product would end up as bellybutton lint, they were willing to take the chance.
Overall, this flick offered nothing. Even some bad movies can get away with the “at least is was entertaining” argument. Not this one, it was just bad and boring and bland and overdone. One unintentionally funny observation: who knew that the Kraken and the Cloverfield monsters were related? I mean, they look like they could be half brothers. Oh, and the Kraken is obviously a man, because Medussa can affect it…even though Medussa couldn’t affect a male-looking sand creature thing earlier. Ugh, the logic holes hurt. I know you’re not supposed to think at some of these movies, but suspension of belief and lazy storytelling is not the same thing. Out of 10 gods in the pantheon of good movies, Clash of the Titans is less than mortal with 3.
Rated: 3/10
